Have you ever noticed that as a parent, it’s easy to think about what has been lost or what is no more? That often, our mind seems to focus on what is absent rather than what is present.
This is different than fondly recalling a memory or remembering a sweet time in life when our children were younger. This is more of a soul yearning for something we feel has slipped through our fingertips. This is a longing, even an ache, for a time that has come and gone.
I struggle with this type of mindset at times. Even though I have an incredibly blessed life and much to be grateful for, I still sometimes find my mind wandering into a thought pattern of loss or less.
I am not alone in this thinking because I have spoken to and coached many mothers and fathers who express the same thoughts.
And herein lies the question….
Why do we tend to spend so much time looking backward rather than focusing on the present moment? Why do we allow ourselves to live in this kind of unproductive space?
This type of consistent thinking is the scarcity mindset. It’s a way of thinking that makes us feel absent. It does not produce joy or peace, rather it produces sadness, and even anxiety for some.
While this type of thinking can apply to many areas of life, today, I am focusing on parenting; it may be one of the most accessible places to fall into this mindset without even realizing it.
It can look something like this…
One morning, we hop on Facebook, and the first thing we see is a “memory” from six years ago that pops up, and there they are. The center of our life, just a younger version. We see their sweet baby face with their wide grin, missing a few front teeth, holding onto their favorite toy or stuffed animal at the time, just staring back at us, and then we feel it.
The loss. The absence. The scarcity mindset has been activated.
We instantly remember how they needed us then, how it felt to have them curled up on our laps, their head against our chest, knowing that we made them feel completely safe and comfortable. We remember how it felt to be their everything.
And then it hits us. This time has passed. They are growing up. As much as we may want to, we can never go back to that time. They are creating a life of their own. The tears well up in our eyes, a knot quickly forms in our stomach, and that physical ache sets in.
I know this feeling all too well, as I’m sure you do too. It’s the ache of a parent whose child is growing up… and let’s face it, no matter how old your child is, that’s every parent out there. They are all growing up.
While this type of thinking, in my opinion, is entirely natural and even to be expected from time to time, I want to say that I don’t think we need to feel this way as parents consistently. We don’t need to live in this space.
I have learned this as I have personally experienced the scarcity ache- perspective is everything. I know that sounds incredibly basic, but it’s simply true.
If I let my focus zero in on what I feel I have lost with my two sons, who are nearing 18 and 14, then I undoubtedly will feel sad. Yet, if I choose to focus on what has been gained as they have grown and matured, I feel joy. It’s a straightforward principle that has a big effect when applied.
The reality is no, my kids don’t need me like they used to. They can do a great deal on their own. While perhaps I have lost cherished memories like bedtime story reading, playing with tractors and cars on the floor, and exciting trips to Build a Bear, I have also gained a tremendous amount in the place of those things.
I have gained things like deeper conversations with them, which has led to a richer and more meaningful type of relationship. I have gained the opportunity to get beside them and encourage them to go after what they want in life. I have walked with them through some difficult and challenging times and taught them to lean on their faith and relationship with God. I have witnessed them coming into their own and have felt pride and joy as their mother, which is invaluable. I have watched them lose their baby face only to grow into that of a young man. I have been able to step back a bit and make them make some mistakes, which has allowed me to teach them some incredible lessons. I have felt the innocent need they once had for me transform into more of a protective, loving role.
These are all incredible gains.
Yes, I have lost things as my children have grown up. We all do. There is no way around this simple fact, but we also can gain so much. I’ll even go as far as to say we often gain regardless of whether we realize it.
As parents, we must choose to see the gain versus the loss because it’s not always our natural way of thinking. These gains could pass us by if we don’t make this choice.
We can feel the best years of our lives are behind us when, in reality, we are living them at this very moment, but we must choose to see it this way. We can choose to embrace each changing season of our children’s lives and look forward to the excitement of what these seasons will bless them with instead of missing the past.
What I am stressing here is that we have a choice as parents regarding how we experience our children growing up, and it boils down to these two mindsets- scarcity and loss or abundance and gain.
Yes, I missed it when my kids were young. I miss rocking them, cuddling them when they wake up from a nap, and making them their favorite snack. I will probably always miss those types of things because I am their mom and always will be, but my miss doesn’t need to rule my heart and mind. I am choosing not to live in scarcity. I am choosing to remind myself daily how much I gain with them each year. I am choosing to only look back on the past to either learn from it or celebrate it, not yearn for it.
What do I hope you remember from this blog? That you have a choice in how you think, which controls how you feel and experience life. If you are a parent, choose to live presently, embrace change, and look forward to the future. Your children will always love and cherish you. Choose to let them go and spread their wings and choose to feel happy about it.